Grace

I have not posted since August and now I am posting this!! I must be crazy!! These are some my intimate thoughts and I am being very opened with them.  I know not many people check this out anymore :) which maybe makes me more comfortable with sharing!!  This is for me! I know some may read this and say, 'what in the world?'  Don't mean to make you think this! Just needed to write it out for myself.  You can read along and agree or disagree with me. It's okay. 

I have realized how pathetic I have been as a Christian.  These past months I have felt so far from God.  He has shown me things that I have not obeyed! I would try, and then...back to the old way!  I have confessed to Him and these past three days have been painful, yet really good!! :)  There are a couple of books that I have been reading that have shown me, well ME! I don't like the picture I am seeing!  Am I the Proverbs 7 lady or the Proverbs 31?  Proverbs 7 says "Her feet do not stay at home; now in the street, now in the market, and at every corner."  My habits have been self-indulgent, gossiping, just trying to make me happy.  I have not given my priorities to what really matters ~ Home.  This is where the important stuff happens, spiritually and physically.  I have not attended to my spiritual growth, my families spiritual growth; I have just been self-indulgent.  My desire is to be more like the Proverbs 31 woman.  I know that I will never achieve all of this, but I need to change my passion.  My habits need to be self-disciplined, attend to matters of personal faith and character ~ really need to work on this! I need to always take care of my household ~ making sure the house is presentable, supper ready to go, watching and paying attention to the needs in my family.   I need to care about God's kingdom.. doing what I can to win show Christ to others, with my prayers, actions, giving, time, etc.. I need to take care of beneficial pursuits, not idle! I need to be more self-sacrificing.  I need to manage my household (I Timothy 5:14) Keeping my eyes and ears open to what is happening in my home..the physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual well-being. (This is taken from the book GIRLS GONE WISE IN A WORLD GONE WILD by Mary Kassian)  

God has been talking to me about where I place my husband in my list of important things.  I am ashamed to say that sometimes he is at the bottom of the list, and recently he has been at the top of my list ~ in first place. Not good! Jesus is first, Bryan is second, my children are third, family and friends fourth, and I am at the end! 
From the book "UNCOVERED revealing the secrets of a sexy marriage" by Susie Davis there is a quote from columnist James Collins.  It says, " How can we actually love the person we love when we are burdened by resentment and fear and insecurity and anger and narcissism and hostility and self-loathing and bouts of total irrationality."  I want to actually love the person that I love! Love in action. The sort of love that stays together and keeps caring, that keeps trying and never gives up! This love will cause ME to put aside MYSELF and put my husband first ~ even in the exhaustive, ugly, nitty-gritty of life when everything thing is breaking lose and I feel that I am at my breaking point! I need to live out "LOVING the one that I Love!"
I Corinthians 13 states it best! "Love is patient and kind.  Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.  It does not demand its own way.  It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.  It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.  Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." (NLT)  This is my prayer! I long to be "perfectly whole".  This is my heart plea, to be more like Jesus!
 
Another thought from the author Anne Lamott says, "Grace is unearned love - it's the love that goes before, that greets us on the way.  It's the help you receive when you have no bright ideas left, when you are empty and desperate and have discovered that your best thinking and most charming charm have failed you.  Grace is the light or electricity or juice or breeze that takes you from that isolated place and puts you with others who are startled and embarrassed and eventually grateful as you are to be there." 

My thoughts may not make sense to anyone, and that is truly okay.  Jesus knows my heart, he has been getting into my 'secret places' that I would be ashamed for you all to see.  I have this one life to live and I want to live it correctly.  Letting Jesus be in control of my life!  My emotions may be whacky, seemingly uncontrollable, a whole lot goofy, but I am forgiven! And I know that Jesus loves ME!   I am thankful that God is showing me things, dealing with me, telling me not to run with my emotions, not always dwelling on the negative.  So today, I choose Jesus! No matter what comes, His grace will be there!